The Diary of Lord Voldemort
by Dudette13
Summary: The insane diary of everyone's fave Dark Lord, Voldy. What happens when Voldy goes to see John Travolta? Or when Bellatrix sues Bertie Bott? R&R to find out!
1. Voldy Needs Counselling

**A/N: **Hehehehehe, I'm on a cranberry high! Another random fic from yours truly. I guess I'm going to write this when I need a break. Or I've eaten cranberries. Whatever.

**Disclaimer:** J.K.R. writes her Voldemort who wants to become supreme ruler of the world. I write _my_ Voldemort who wants fluffy slippers.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning to the sounds of birds chirping cheerfully and warm rays of sunlight streaming in through the gap of my curtains. I killed the birds and wrenched my curtains shut. I hate Mondays. Then I went for a shower, because, unlike my arch nemesis Harry Potter, I DO take showers! Anyway, as I looked in the mirror I kind of wondered if I had overdone the snake thing just a little bit. My nose is so ugly and flat! Eew! And if I'm a snake-person, why do I have cat eyes? Mental note – see plastic surgeon and optometrist.

Love… er, I mean _From_,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Didn't do much today. Told McNair to kill the Prewetts. He told me we already have. Wondered a bit about the meaning of life. I asked Crabbe if he knew what it was, he blinked and kept picking his feet. Then I asked Avery, and he told me I should forget it and start scheming on ways to kill Harry Potter again. Damn kids. _Every_ time I try to get him, he somehow escapes. Stupid mother. Stupid love. Stupid priori incantatem. Stupid Dumbledore.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Today I worked out the meaning of life! Well, _my_ life anyway. To kill Harry Potter! Mua ha ha! It worries me just a little bit how my sworn enemy is only a teenager. Stupid prophecy. I couldn't have a _cool_ enemy, like Spiderman, could I? No, I'm stuck with some snotty kid who never takes a shower! Potter makes me so MAD! HOW DID HE SURVIVE WHEN HE WAS ONLY A BABY? HOW? Oh, right. I know. I _really_ should've killed Potter before his mother. Dammit! _Why_ didn't I mark Longbottom as my equal? He would have been a cinch to kill! I think I spend too much time brooding over this. I need counselling.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Went shopping today. Saw the _cutest_ fluffy snake slippers. Decided to buy them. I walked up to the counter with my bags and everyone started screaming and running away. It was pretty cool, because I didn't have to pay. But I felt a bit hurt, seeing everyone run away from me like that. It's not a nice thing for a guy to feel.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I thought a bit today about what would have happened if I got married and had kids . Me and my wife would have triplets and call them Avada, Crucio and Imperio. I soon realised that I've never loved anyone, so having kids is out of the question. Then I got bored so I went and tortured some randoms. I used the Cruciatus Curse on a guy called Arkie Philpott and he screamed "THIS IS EVEN WORSE THAN THE TIME I GOT THE PROBITY PROBE STUCK UP MY-!" Only he didn't finish the sentence because I killed him. Although, I think I can guess where that place was. He he.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I hate Dumbledore. He scares me, and I am a Dark Lord! I'm not supposed to get scared! He also gets in the way when I try to kill Potter. And, worst of all, HE MADE ME RETURN THE YOYO IN THE SHOEBOX! That yoyo was my only friend as a child… Oh, Dumbledore thinks he's so _cool_, with his half-moon spectacles and his purple swishy robes! But he's not. Really, he's not.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Found Karkaroff in a shack today. I killed him. Got bored again so I decided to bake some cookies. Only I couldn't find the cookbook. We NEVER have any food around here! We should probably do something about that.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Me and the Death Eaters solved our food problem today. We went to Diagon Alley to go grocery shopping, but then I had a better idea. We went to Florean Fortescue's and asked for some ice-cream but he wouldn't serve us because we're evil. So we kidnapped him. Now we have ice-cream for breakfast, lunch and tea! Ooooohhhh, I have a brain freeze…

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Worked out how to get rid of Dumbledore today. Force some helpless kid to kill him! So I found this dumb-looking blonde kid and told him I'd kill his parents if he didn't murder Dumbledore. Mua ha ha ha ha! Then I worked out that his parents were Lucius and Narcissa. As if I'd ever murder _them_! Ha ha, that kid is soooooo gullible.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Played with Nagini today. First we just ate ice-cream. Then we played hide-and-seek. She found this _really_ good place, up on the bench. I didn't find her for ages, although I did look in the cupboards underneath her. Then she saw some 'good-looking' male snake and left me alone. My little girl is growing up.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I heard that Horace Slughorn is going to teach at Hogwarts again. Dammit! I wanted him on our side! I probably should have tried bribing him with crystallised pineapple. He could have made us cool potions, like Amortentia! Erm, I mean… Veritaserum. Heh heh.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Snape's got the Defence Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts! He was so happy, and we threw a party for him. Then I gave him a rainbow lollipop for his achievement. He looked at me weird and just said "Er… thanks, My Lord." I though everyone liked rainbow lollipops! Man, Snape is weird…

From, Voldy.

* * *

**A/N:** Oooh! Malfoy's been ordered to kill Dumbledore! Will he? Of course he won't, you know that! You've read the Half Blood Prince! Or at least, you better have! (punches hand into fist threateningly). OK, I'll shut up rambling now. 


	2. Voldy Encounters the Fart Button

**A/N:** Sorry guys, I haven't had the chance to get high in a while. Well, I did get high on a HUGE container of cranberries with some friends, but I didn't have access to a computer to write this. Thanks a lot, Jess. Right now I've eaten too many spoonfuls of ice-cream I stole from our freezer. OK, enough rambling about my various highs. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **J.K. Rowling owns any characters or places you recognise. Anything you don't recognise is the works of my insane brain…. or possibly PremzaWitchOfWeirdos' even insaner brain.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Thought about different ways to torture people today. I couldn't think of any so I went over to Wormtail and asked him. He gave me loads of inspiration. Like making Wormtail breath near the unfortunate soul. Has that guy EVER brushed his teeth? I mean, seriously. If I got him to breathe out over a flower, it would die. Someone should by him some breath mints.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Today I had absolutely NOTHING to do but read Witch Weekly! Why am I so unpopular? What did I do but kill masses of innocent people? So anyway, it came with a free sample of face-cream. The advert was right - it really _did_ make my skin four times softer! And my pores feel all clean. Don't you just love that feeling?

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Hogwarts term started again today. I hope that blonde kid kills Dumbledore like I asked him to! Hee hee, with Dumbledore gone, getting to Potter will be as easy as taming a Pygmy Puff!

From,

Voldy

* * *

Dear Diary,

Bellatrix tried to convince me that Snape was disloyal today. Again. Merlin, does that girl ever quit it? She was all; "He wasn't there when you rose again… He works for Dumbledore… He's a part of the Order of the Phoenix…" like I don't know that! Geez!

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I heard about something called an 'Internet Cafe' for muggles. I thought it might be a store for booby-traps (hey, interNET) so I drank some polyjuice potion and went to one. Instead of traps and torture devices, there were just some strange, glowing boxes. By watching some of the other muggles work them, I worked out that if you moved the round thing, the little pointy thing inside the box moved. And if you pressed the button, the things inside the box would move. Suddenly a message flashed across the screen. "The Fart Button. Press It. You Know You Want To." So I moved the round thing and pressed it. And the box farted! The worst part was, everyone turned around, thinking that it was me. How embarrassing! I'm _never_ going to an internet cafe again.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

OK, so I lied. I went to an internet cafe again today! Those boxes are so addictive! Anyway, this time a message popped up saying that I'd won a trip to see John Travolta! I apparated to his house right away! I knocked on his door and he opened it… and said "Get a nose job, freak." And closed the door! How rude!

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I read in the Daily Prophet that Stan Shunpike has been convicted of being a Death Eater! As if! I mean, I do have some dignity. So what if I go to John Travolta's house and he rejects me? At least I don't allow idiots like that into my club! Oh, wait. I forgot Crabbe and Goyle were Death Eaters. Now I'm REALLY depressed.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Happy Birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday dear Dark Lord… Happy Birthday to me. Yep, it was my birthday today. And guess who remembered? NOBODY! Absolutely no-one! Not even Bella! Or Snape! OK, so I suppose Nagini remembered. She got me a present anyway. It was a chewed up rat. Still, it's the thought that counts.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

This Occlumency thing is hard. I had to start using it against Potter (I realised he might get an advantage if he knows how I'm feeling). Snape had to teach it to me. But it's really annoying to have to clear my mind of thought each night! My brain keeps going from nothing to interesting stuff. Like unforgivable curses. Or Maybelline make up!

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Nott told me the BEST joke today! OK, if you breath oxygen during the day, what do you breath at night? NITROGEN! Get it? Because NIGHT-rogen and nitrogen sound the same! Haha - I cracked up. No, I mean literally, my skin began to crack! I'm suing the company that made the face-cream I used eight days ago.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I found out that I could just cast "Reparo" on my face and the cracks would go away. I'm still suing Witch Weekly though! Maybe they'll be able to recommend something that'll give me more normal coloured eyes, too…

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Ollivander scares me. No, seriously – we kidnapped him a few months ago, and he didn't even protest! He just stares at us. With those creepy pale eyes. Staring… staring… staring… At first I thought he was just a freak. Then he told me that he and Narcissa were having a staring competition.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Wow, Narcissa and Ollivander still haven't blinked! This is some contest!

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Narcissa blinked today. I thought she was the best starer in the world! Damn, Ollivander's good.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Halloween's coming up in a month and a bit. I recon the D.E.'s and me should throw a party. I discussed my idea with Rookwood, he said it was a great idea. Although I'm not too sure – Rookwood also said it would be a good idea for Goyle to eat baked beans. Man, we are NEVER gunna be able to get rid of that smell.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Rudolphus Lestrange had the idea that we should make a Death Eater fashion line. He reckons the women could have low-cut robes with Dark Mark printed on the front in silver. And according to him, the men could have billowy black robes with Dark Mark cuff links. OK, why did he marry Bellatrix? He is so obviously gay.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

**A/N:** OK, that's about all the randomness I can come up with for tonight. So peace out y'all, and remember… cranberries get you through tough times. 


	3. Voldy Meets The Annoying Little Spots

**A/N:** Whoo hoo! Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Y'all rock! OK, more randomness for you! Plus a case of the chicken pox, which was inspired by recent events…

**Disclaimer:** I'm not J.K. Rowling. I like to pretend I am, by writing fanfiction.

* * *

Dear Diary,

This morning when I got out of bed, it was cold. I know it's just our dementors' breeding season, but, more than anything, my feet were freaking FREEZING as I walked across the cold floor to have my normal breakfast of Cheerios. I recon we should get something done about it. I'll ask Rudolphus, the gay master of interior design.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Rudolphus said that we should get carpet for the floor. So today Goyle and I went to the muggle carpet shop thingy. I was planning on buying some wall-to-wall carpeting, but it was SO expensive! And when I threatened the acne-affected assistant to make the price cheaper with the Cruciatus Curse, he just stared at me as though I'd gone mad and said "If you want to buy a carpet, sir, you have to pay the full price." So whatever.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I found out the solution to our expensive carpets problem today! We buy a RUG! So I went back to the carpets place (the idiot working there goes "Oh… it's _you_ again.") and had a look at all the rugs. There rugs of all sorts, yellow rugs, red rugs, blue rugs, an orange polka-dotted rug, and a snot-green rug in which Goyle managed to conveniently hide a booger. In the end, I decided on a brown fur rug for my bedroom floor. I like stroking it. It's so fluffy.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

D_ea**r**_ DiARy,

maN, thIs c_aR_PEt is A**DDIct**Ive. i'm wrIt_iNG_ alL weirD beca**U**se i HaVe to kEEP swiTch**IN **g hanDS **I**N ORDer to k_eE_P sTro**kI**NG iT.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I finally stopped stroking the damn thing. I got Dolohov to slap me every time my hand moved towards it. I got the feeling he enjoyed it.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Today me, Bella and Nagini pigged out on Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans. I got Spamberry Moose flavour! Yum! And Nagini got her favourite, Old-Fogie-Riddle-House-Caretaker flavour. Yeah, it was great fun, up until Bellatrix accidentally ate a rat-poison one. She's really mad now, and is fuming around outside my door. I think I just heard her mutter that she's gunna sue Bertie Bott. I wonder how that'll turn out.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Today was sooo boring. It was only me and Bellatrix at home. Oh, and Wormtail, but he had a hangover and was asleep on the moth-eaten couch. Bellatrix was home because she was working on her case against Bott. I don't see why she's taking it to court. I mean, she _is_ a Death Eater! She can just murder him! But when I told her that she just glared and said something about "wanting to do it properly." I even offered to kill him for her, she just ignored me. Gee, I never thought I'd see the day. My own Death Eaters, _ignoring_ me. The indignity.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Eugh, I'm all itchy. I recon someone put Bulbadox powder in my bed. Oooh, I'm _not_ happy with whoever it is!

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Well, no one put Bulbadox powder in my bed. I know coz I used Legilimency on everyone at dinner last night, when I asked them. Well, _something's_ making me itchy. And I'm gunna find out what.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Ahh! I worked out why I was all itchy! I have CHICKEN POX! Merlin, this is even more embarrassing than the Fart Button. Me, a sixty-something year old Dark Lord, has caught the CHICKEN POX! I bet I know where I got them from, too. That weirdo who worked at the carpet store. And I thought the spots all over his face were just acne.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I hate the chicken pox. Chicken pox spots are itchy. I'm not allowed to scratch them. But there's nothing else I can do, because no one's allowed to come in my room incase THEY catch them too. There's _nothing_ to do in here. Except stroke the fur carpet. But I can't do that, coz I'll get addicted again. Did I mention I hated the chicken pox?

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Still have the chicken pox. It's really getting on my nerves. I have nothing to do. I tried cursing them off, but it just multiplied them. I've figured out a better way to torture people than the Cruciatus Curse. Give them chicken pox! Stupid little spots.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Sooo bored. I think I'll write a poem.

_Chicken Pox,_

_Are annoying little spots,_

_Or perhaps you'd call them dots,_

_They make me feel like rot,_

_I tried to curse them away,_

_But they only did stay,_

_And haunt me one more day._

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I think… yes! A few of my spots are disappearing! I might be able to come out of here soon!

From,

Voldy

* * *

Dear Diary,

Rookwood just sent an owl saying I'll be able to go out of my room tomorrow! YAHOO!

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I was finally able to get out of my room again! Hallelujah! I got some extra ice-cream from Florean. Then me and the D.E.s ate some cake. Mmmm… cake.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I still have the chicken pox scars. At least they're not itchy anymore, though. Anyway… today I celebrated being able to leave the house by torturing random muggles. It was fun. Hehe.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Bellatrix is going to present her case to Bertie Bott tomorrow. It should be interesting. Maybe I'll go, just to see what happens.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

**A/N:** Phew, I'm out of craziness now. I have to go do HOMEWORK. Sigh. Anyway, review! I love them more than cranberries! If that's possible. 


	4. Voldy Decides He Might Be Gay

**A/N:** Waassssssuuuppp? Yes, the update has been long, sorry. But it's the winter holidays now, so expect at least one more update within the next two weeks! YAAAAAAY! Updates!

**Disclaimer:** Nup, not mine. If it was, you'd know by now.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Bella's getting ready for her case. She's even bought some dress robes and everything. I'm surprised – she usually doesn't take things like this so seriously. Maybe she'll win. I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Everyone's avoiding Bellatrix at the moment. She's very scary… not that I'm scared of course. Heh heh. But pretty much all the other Death Eater's are. Needless to say her case didn't go to well. In fact, I don't think it would be right to classify it as a case. She went to the place that makes Bertie Bott's and demanded to see him. It was about then when she found out that Bertie Bott wasn't a real person, and the company had only made a random, cool sounding name up. So now she's thundering around the hide out, randomly blasting smoking holes into the walls.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Bellatrix feels a bit better now. We made her a cake and had a little party. Even Florean Fortescue joined in, although he couldn't eat any cake through his gag. Then the Death Eaters got drunk (although I couldn't, because my ability to get drunk was in the part of my soul that got destroyed in 1981) and we celebrated life by killing some randoms. Hey, I said celebrating LIFE, not THEIR lives. Tee hee.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I had a chat with Greyback today. It's so cool to have werewolves on our side. The best part is, because he's addicted to kids, I can now torture old fogies (like Frank Bryce), middle aged citizens (like Madam Bones) teenagers (like Potter… eventually…) _and_ little kids! Hee hee, it's just like the good old days…

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm bored.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Bella and Narcissa are currently having a massive fight about 'whose husband is hotter'. I believe seven fingernails, one tooth, some hair extensions and a high heel have so far been broken in the process. Why does it matter if Rudolphus Lucius is hotter? They're both going to come out of Azkaban looking ugly.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

They're still at it. They've asked my opinion. I've come in here to 'think about it'. I recon Lucius is hotter… But Rudolphus has that awesome beard… Oh, I don't know! They're both hot! No, I am _not_ gay. I don't have the ability to love anyone, remember? But if I did… well, I _might_ be gay.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

It was finally settled that they were both as hot as the other. Well jeez, I could have told them that! Although, without the continuous shrieks of the girls, it was actually quite boring around the hide-out. So I amused myself by using a Disillusionment Charm, walking across the street and burning some leaves in the park. A few girls, who were trapped in the middle of a large circle of burning leaves, were like; "AAAAAAH!"

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I brainstormed for catchy phrases for the eventual Final Battle today. Yeah, that sounds weird, but I need _some_ cliché, awesome catchphrase as Potter dies a slow and painful death. (Unless, of course, the Final Battle turns out like all our other battles and Potter wins. But that can't happen!) I couldn't think of much. I had the idea of; "I told you once before, Harry, that there is no good or evil. There is only power. You should have heeded that warning." But it sounded _too_ cliché. So I came up with; "You're going to see your dear mudblood mother again, Harry." But apparently that was what my memory/horcrux said when Potter almost died in the Chamber of Secrets. And then I thought of the perfect one. "I told you, did I not, that I could show you your parents again? All you needed to do was this one thing for me. After all, in the words of Dumbledore-" Cue evil laugh "-to the well organised mind, death is but the next greatest adventure. Why are you not excited, Harry?" Cue second evil laugh.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Damnit! I just realised, after skimming through yesterday's diary entry! Dumbledore thinks that death is the next adventure! AWW! That means it won't be as satisfying when the Malfoy kid finally kills him! Dumbledore has to take _all_ the fun out of _everything_, doesn't he?

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I've been thinking all day, and have decided that even if Dumbledore isn't upset about his own death, Potter will be! Mua ha ha!

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I need some hostage to take of Harry's. Weasley or Granger? I was thinking more of a girlfriend. He's sixteen; he's GOT to like _someone!_ Maybe he's too scared to ask them out. Or, more likely, he's not asking them out in case I hurt them. Which is my exact plan! Stupid Potter and his stupid morals.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

The Halloween party's coming up _reeeeaaally_ soon. I don't know how to decorate the hide-out! Jack-o-lanterns? I need someone gay. I need… RUDOLPHUS! Too bad he's in Azkaban.

From,

Voldy.

* * *

Dear Diary,

I got bored today, so I learnt how to knit. Hey, even a Dark Lord has a feminine side! And I am an old dude… seventy! Or something like that. To tell the truth, I lost count.

* * *

**A/N:** A tappa tappa tappa tappa that's the shooooow! Don't ask about the burning leaves thing - it's a private joke and I'm high. Review! Woot! 


End file.
